Why Trusting God is so Hard: A Survivor’s Journey of Fear and Faith

14:06

Have you ever done The Trust Fall? You know...when you free-fall backwards into the ready arms of someone standing behind you? I remember it being fairly easy when I was a child because of the low likelihood of getting hurt if my partner reneged. Being short made me closer to the ground, being light lessened the blow of impact, and having “rubber” bones meant it was almost certain I wouldn’t break one.

It's funny how things get more complicated in adulthood. There is much more to lose if a trusted partner pulls back and lets you fall. It surely will break something...only then, it would probably be the heart.

But, what if the one you thought you could trust is God, and He let you down?

I’ve been there! It confounds me how after three decades as a Christian, I still struggle to trust God to take care of me. In fact, recently, an incident occurred that revealed just how big my struggle is.

Someone I trusted let me down and I reacted as if my life depended on him being there for me. My response in the moment was to be mean and unforgiving.

Have you ever found yourself doing the same?

Maybe, like me, you have scars and your ugly side comes out at times. If so, I hope my story of being abducted and of questioning God will be an encouragement in your journey of healing as you face your fears and learn to put your trust in God.

Somewhat Futile Attempts to Solve the “Problem”

For many years I’ve been aware of my habitual overreaction to being hurt or disappointed, and almost as much time trying to change it. As a devoted Christian, I have spent countless hours reading, studying, and meditating on God’s Word. I’ve prayed, served others, and shared the gospel with unbelievers.

As beneficial as these practices are, the trouble with my efforts was the absence of facing the real problem driving my feelings of insecurity. Instead, I was addressing the symptoms.

Does this sound familiar? When things get quiet, when the task is completed or the goal is reached, when the drink is empty, when the donut is gone, when the movie is over, do unsettling feelings begin to surface?

Over time, I realized there’s something about the way I relate to God that is off, causing me to always have a relatively low level of fear brewing below the surface – a fear of my life falling apart. It is what leads to my overreaction when I am let down by someone I depended on. It is what drives my need to control things, and the out-of-whack level of intensity I sometimes bring to my pursuits of achievement – whether it be in the areas of completing tasks, producing things, striving for physical health, creating environmental comforts, attaining personal improvements, or acquiring knowledge.

My recent overreaction got my attention and led me to do some deep digging to uncover why, when I’m hurt, I feel like the earth beneath me is crumbling.

While I know I cannot heal myself, and it may not be part of God’s plan to reveal to me all the reasons I am the way I am (honestly, I don’t even want to know any more than I need to know), there was a strong inner sense that I needed to uncover what is beneath my struggles to trust and be at peace when things get difficult or feel shaky.

What is it? What is my problem? Why, after all these years, can’t I figure this out, though I’ve searched and searched in God’s Word, and I’ve prayed and prayed to experience His peace in my inner being?

The Problem Uncovered

And then, God showed me the problem...

It started as a whispered question...

"What if God is the one I thought I could trust, and I feel let down by Him?"

Yikes! Can I say that out loud?

I know intellectually beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is the only one who is perfectly trustworthy; and in that regard, I do trust Him. I have confidence that He will bring about His perfect plan and that He creates good even out of bad things that happen.

But as horrible as it sounds, if I am honest (which I know God wants me to be), when my well-being seems threatened, my visceral response is not to trust Him...the kind of trust that, however heavy the burdens I carry, I know I can fall back into His ready arms without fear of losing everything I hold dear. In the deepest parts of my soul, I don’t feel secure in God’s arms. I’ve experienced pain and trauma; I don’t like it, and I am vigilant to do what I can to keep it from ever happening again.

Can you relate?

Or maybe you’re appalled that I have said this about God. (If so, before you go too far, let me remind you of the many times in the Bible when God’s people were corrected for not trusting Him. And, if I could be so forward, let me encourage you to take a new look at some of your vices and ask yourself why you do them.)

If you struggle to trust God, be encouraged that you are not alone and that God understands, as a caring Father. I hope my story can help you overcome a stumbling block that keeps you from wanting to know God or wanting to go deeper in your relationship with Him. (And may the act of me sharing my story help me put to rest whatever is blocking me from entrusting my whole life and inner being to God.) As you continue reading about my personal journey, I hope you will take the same difficult steps I have taken here of admitting where you are regarding trusting God, asking Him what you need to know about the source of your fear, and not giving up seeking His healing so you can see God for who He is and experience all the fullness of His love, peace, and joy.

The 2-Part Question

Why is trusting God so hard, and is there anything I (or you) can do about it?

For me, the first part of the question I can answer; the second, I can kinda answer.

As much as I cringe at sharing so personally, in the spirit of acknowledging what’s broken so I can take the first step in being “fixed,” I move forward in faith, choosing to believe that God will help me let go and free-fall into His arms with a sense of security so deep that I can even enjoy the rush of adrenaline.

Why is trusting God so hard?

Sometimes the best answer to a question is a question. Trusting God is so hard for me because I struggle with wondering:

"Where was God when I was neglected and then thrown to the wolves?"

Let me explain...

From my earliest memory, I knew one of my parents didn’t like me; that combined with a parent that deeply loved me but didn’t know how to show it, left me more vulnerable than words can adequately explain. After the parent who didn’t like me told me regularly for two years, “as soon as it’s legal to kick you out, you’re out,” like clockwork, the week of my 18^th birthday, I was pushed out the door and it slammed behind me one last time.

Even with all the mistreatment behind the closed doors of my childhood home, I never imagined how many wolves I would face out on my own. One thing I learned the hard way is that wolves have a keen eye for wounded lambs.

Following a string of traumatic events, a friend, who didn’t want to get too involved in helping, introduced me to a church youth group leader. He started giving me rides to work so I wouldn’t have to walk the dangerous route and, during the commutes, he gave what I thought was caring advice. Little did I know that his actual purpose was to build my trust in him and instill in me a greater fear of my surroundings. Seeing he had succeeded, he picked me up one day and took me to his place where he held me captive for many months. At some point, I found a dime, hid it away, and watched for an opportunity to escape, run across the street to a payphone, and call for help. As soon as my abductor lapsed in his measures to restrain me, I got free; and from that point on, I committed to taking charge of my life.

Sometime later, when I appeared in many ways to have my life together, a pastor, who observed me make a couple of dangerous choices, pulled me aside and said, with tears in his eyes and strength in his voice, “Cheryl, when are you going to stop letting people mistreat you?” It was the first time I saw, felt, and heard pure love expressed for me. It broke my heart and opened my eyes – but this time, in a good way. And, thus, began my journey of healing.

Thanks to God, counseling, and several people He put in my life, I have healed so much that most people who know me would be surprised to learn of the dark period of my past. But the recent incident that brought out my strong overreaction to being hurt showed that there remains a deep insecurity about my well-being. Traumas sustained in the early years of life make a lasting impact on the brain, leading to issues in relationships and in the fight-or-flight stress response.

So, why is trusting God so hard for me?

Because He let these horrible events happen to me.

Is there anything I (or you) can do about the difficulties in trusting God?

After reading my personal story, I would not be the least bit surprised if you are wondering why, after He let this happen to me, I didn’t just say, “Forget God...He can’t be trusted!” It’s because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is in control and unconditionally loving. But knowing and feeling are not the same; and I immensely want my feelings to align with the Truth.

So, back to the question...

Is there anything that can be done about the difficulties in trusting God?

No and Yes.

No, because, ultimately, God is the only one who can fill the crater in my heart that leaves me walking through life with a simmering fear, driving me to work tirelessly to be worthy of love so I won’t be abandoned and left as prey.

Yes, because I can do things to help foster trust. And you can too. You may have other ideas, but at the end of this article are a handful of things I think will be helpful for both of us.

Nugget of Wisdom

We live in a fallen world where atrocities happen. There will always be people who are set on hurting and even destroying their fellow humans. There is no guarantee that I or you won’t be a victim of such evil. And that’s where the rubber meets the road, huh? Do I (do you) trust God enough to feel secure in the face of evil?

I want to come to a place where I can live in the present moment, not afraid of what tomorrow could bring, and have a sense of safety knowing that God will be with me and help me experience all the fullness of His joy, peace, and love no matter the circumstances. We know this is in reach because Jesus said it is.

In Matthew 10, we read about Jesus sending out the disciples to proclaim the gospel so everyone can receive salvation. He told them that they would be brutalized and hated. It is in this context that He encouraged and lovingly instructed them to respond to their oppressors with wisdom and innocence. Jesus spurred them on to confidently entrust themselves to Him amid abuse and continue proclaiming the message of reconciliation to God. The disciples’ relationship with Jesus was so close that they were able to walk in His perfect love that casts out fear, and find joy in telling unbelievers about Jesus despite their physical suffering.

This is the kind of faith I want; and I’m guessing you do too.

"[You and I both can be] sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

Things to Try

Admit to God that you are struggling to trust Him, and about how you have felt let down. (Phew, I did this one already...not easy! I know you can do it too.)
Confide in someone about your struggle and pray together (Proverbs 20:5, 1 Peter 5:7, James 5:16, Philippians 1:3-11, Ephesians 3:14-21).
Journal
Read in the Bible about others who struggled to trust God. Some examples include: Sarah, Moses, Jacob, Jeremiah, Elijah, Peter, and Thomas.
Pray that God will help you connect more intimately with His love for you. "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love" - 1 Jn. 4:18. Read Bible passages that show God’s character and how much He loves you. Some examples include: Isaiah 40-41, Exodus 34:6-7, Psalm 139, Romans 8:31-39, Psalm 36:5-12, John 3:16-17, Lamentations 3:19-26, Psalm 23.
Read and meditate on the encouragement from God in Isaiah 40-44, written in the context of Israel suffering at the hands of ruthless oppressors.
Fast and pray for growth and breakthroughs (Psalm 69).

Continue reading about healing and growing closer to God:

Learn more about prayer, fasting, and meditation:

Are you looking for a church? These articles will help:

Are you looking for a church in the Concord, NH area? We invite you to join us! Grace Capital Church is located at 542 Pembroke Street in Pembroke, NH.